It’s been about a week since Mark Sanford gave a rambling explanation about his whereabouts in Argentina, and revealed that he had been utterly willing to throw away a promising political career, a marriage, a meaningful relationship with his four boys—for the love of a woman a continent away.
He’s not the first of people of his rank and prominence in public life, of course, to do so. One count has almost 30 people in the last 20 years or so who have similarly taken this risk. The list includes a sitting president, speaker of the house, presidential candidates, evangelical pastors, and so on.
One question that has been posed to me when I’ve been in conversation with people about Sanford’s affair, is: “Why do men do it?” Why are men willing to throw it all away when they’ve got to be aware of the huge potential for loss and suffering? They’ve got to be out of their minds.
Many answers: First, they are out of their minds. These decisions are not rational decisions. Sanford, for one, clearly was gripped by a passion that was not simply erotic, but one that touched the deepest part of his soul and heart. He was experiencing a passion, an emotion that perhaps he had never felt before. It was utterly transforming and exhilarating. He could not let that go.
Another is that these men, often charismatic leaders, are vulnerable to temptation and the opportunity to yield to temptation beyond our understanding.
Another explanation is that these men, most in professions of service, find their emotional reserves tapped beyond belief. The stress is incredible. And too often they find comfort and release not with the person who has been with them throughout their life’s journey, but with a third person profoundly removed and disconnected from any of it.
But my question is not why do men do it—we can come up with answers to that question. But why do women do it? Why does a woman with two teenage sons of her own agree to take up with the Governor of South Carolina? Why does a woman agree to consort with a presidential candidate (Edwards, Hart)? Why does a married staffer agree to have a liaison with a senator from Nevada? And so on.
Is it the need for validation? The need for a thrill and more excitement in their lives? Is it the need for understanding? The need for an escape from the mundane? The need to be noticed?
I don’t know.
I do know that these highly public embarrassments involve both genders.
This is not a male problem. Or a female one. It’s a human problem.
One suspects that most of us are practicing functional atheists. Sanford alluded to God and to his faith, as have others caught in this situation. We really do not believe in a God who holds us accountable, a God to whom we must answer some day. We don’t. We believe in a “buddy” God, who is loving and forgiving, and who’ll simply say, “Aw shucks, you’re only human,” and let it go at that.
We’re a people, ironically, who will work in a live of public service to improve and better the lot of others, but who are also willing to hurt and maim the people we love the most.
Go figure.
